An In Depth Chat Regarding Spelling, With Seph Bentos.

The Initial Problem

Something which has always really bothered me is people's inability to correctly wield the English language. I just don't understand how something so simple, which requires such little effort, has become such a common problem. And before my inbox gets flooded with ignorant complaints, dyslexic people are excused.

Now then. If after reading that initial sentence you found yourself cringing and thinking "Pfft so what?" (which is correct English for "so wot/wat?"), then let me begin by congratulating you on reading this article, thereby taking your first step away from being an imbecilic, openly meph minded moron, before going on to say YOU NEED THIS ARTICLE.

If on the other hand, that first sentence made you feel that wonderful (yet depressingly rare) feeling of relief which screams "THANK GOD I AM NOT ALONE!", then well done for not being one of those undesirable chaps we mentioned before. You should reward yourself by rushing to your nearest window, leaning out of it and then shouting high brow insults at less knowledgeable people than yourself, as they pass on by. Insults they will never understand.

UNDERSTAND AND USE THIS INFORMATION.

Let's get this bit out of the way early, shall we?

If you are amongst the grammatically challenged and don't want to continue appearing as an uneducated troglodyte in front of other people (people who are fully experienced in laughing at people like you without you knowing), then take notes.

It's simple as a toddler's idea of the world.

"THERE'S one of them now, THEY'RE over THERE with THEIR things."
"THERE'S (aka "there is") one of them now, THEY'RE (aka "they are") over THERE with THEIR things."

Imagine the person saying this is pointing at someone who can read and write, and therefore isn't viewed as a hollow skulled failure.

"WE'RE lost aren't we? We have nothing to WEAR and don't even know WHERE we are."
"WE'RE (aka "we are") lost aren't (aka "are not")we? We have nothing to WEAR and don't even know WHERE we are."

This person may be lost and without a nice outfit, but at least they aren't SOMEONE WHO CAN'T COMPREHEND WHAT IS TAUGHT TO INFANTS.

"YOU'RE happy because you received YOUR present."
"YOU'RE (aka you are) happy because you received YOUR present."

People who can spell correctly get more presents than people who can't. This has been proven as a scientific fact.

Also, "You" isn't "U" or "Yu". It's YOU. You are you, so it's important that you get it right. That way you'll be able to understand when someone tells you who they think is an idiot who can't even GET SIMPLE WORDS RIGHT EVEN THOUGH THEY'RE AN ADULT.

Make sense? it should. If it doesn't, punch yourself in the nose until it does.

Scare Tactics: Worrying Statistics Which I Could Have Just Made Up (But Sadly Didn't)

An alarming number of people who have heroically managed to read this far, will probably not get much further because they simply can't comprehend these words which I use. You know, the ones which don't contain numbers or are longer than four or five letters.

How's that for a disturbingly accurate statistic/blind assumption? I know, right? "An alarming number". Can't ask for clearer than that, the clue as to how worried we should be about our population's steadily declining intellect is right there, in the words which were used. This really is clever, yet terrifying stuff.

A large number of people from my last job who put up notices in the staff room continually spelled things wrong and as a result, were the secret laughing stock of the rest of the staff. The employees who managed to spell entire sentences right, were viewed as people so clever, your face would suddenly explode if you sat too close to them while they attempted crossword puzzles.

SPEAKING OF TERRIFYING. GET A LOAD OF THIS, KIDS:

Before I rant about anything, I generally research the subject matter. I do this partly to toughen up my arguments, but mostly to ensure that I actually know what I'm talking about (Although I'm confident that you're all already thoroughly convinced of my impeccable research skills based on that first deadly accurate statistic I just gave you there).

I began by reading up on what people generally look for in a man or women, using as many as FIVE different articles and public polls as a frame of reference. The reason I read these tedious and ironically badly written articles, was to see just how important the average person considered a basic knowledge of spelling to be, or if it was even mentioned at all.

The closest it came to being considered as an important human trait was general intelligence, which is fair enough, when you consider that the ability to read and write on it's own isn't exactly going to be the make or break of any mature relationship.

This explains the romantic success of popular creatures Wayne Rooney and Paris Hilton, as well as numerous other "Desirable" individuals.

What isn't fair enough, is how low down intelligence appeared on these mass public polls. Above all, the majority of people cared more about their partner's money than their actual intelligence by a LONG way.

And don't get me wrong, I'm not some egg head hungry weirdo who only cares for brains. That wouldn't be an issue, but what these poll results were suggesting was a lot worse.

We're not talking "Oh I get a few words muddled up from time to time" or "I sucked at spelling tests back in school". It wouldn't bother me if I was with a girl who wasn't the best English student of all time (provided she made up for it by being a beast in the bedroom and could at least dress herself again afterward).

We're not talking just reading and writing. We're talking the overall usage of that oh so starved organ in our heads. Everything from remembering names of historic figures to knowing NOT TO EAT GRENADES.

This says to me, that the average person is a gold digger, who is more prepared to hook up with a taller person who confuses "Going to the toilet" with "Shaking their in law's hand" rather than someone who is a genuinely interesting, mentally aware member of society and all because the walking calamity that is the first choice has an extra twenty note sticking out of their back pocket.

At least, that's impression I get out of the selection of individuals who took part in the referenced polls, anyway. But that's them. I'm sure you, the reader, are a beautiful, beautiful person.

ANYWAY, the point is that in a list of roughly twenty to thirty desirable qualities which a person can have, (All of the referenced polls missed out both "good in the sack" and "redeemable street cred" as relevant qualities) Intelligence was beaten by all but "Convenience".

That's right.

Someone who is right there at the time of your search. Hang on, when you're talking about desirable traits in potential life partners, provided that you don't steal other people's partners, isn't that EVERYONE?

Yes, it is. Being alive is apparently only slightly less important than being able to form words.

You know math but can't do English? That's even WORSE.

Now, I'm not saying everyone is like this, but a lot of mathematicians who I've met like to think of themselves as better than other people, because they're good at maths. I suppose that's their business. If they've worked hard or are just smarter than most when it comes to maths, then fair enough. Gloat away.

But what I don't get, is when people say "you're either good at one, or the other" regarding maths and English. Yes, you can excel in one subject, but do you have to TOTALLY SUCK BALLS when it comes to the other one? If mathematicians are so incredibly smart, how can some of them not grasp something as simple as "you are" shortens to "you're" whilst "your" is just "your"? It makes NO SENSE.

But I AM clever, I'm just dyslexic.

If you are genuinely dyslexic, (and I'm talking GENUINELY dyslexic here, not dyslexic like that attention seeking scene kid we all know and hate who is apparently an insomniac just because he stayed up past 1AM once) then you are a hero for reading this article and excused from all of the overblown insults.

If you're one of those people who says they are as an excuse, or after a self diagnosis brought on by on random moment of conclusion jumping, then you need to quickly headbutt your mirror until you realize that you aren't just a tool, but every tool on the belt. If you don't get over yourself soon, you'll become the entire box, then when you're older, the workshop's main supply room.

Having been an insomniac myself once (and a DIAGNOSED ONE at that) I can sympathize. I can sympathize because I know that there's nothing more annoying than hearing some self absorbed, little growth of a tween bragging about having the same problem as you secretly do, when they are clearly so full of shit you could swear someone brought their biggest, most prolific turd out with them and gave it a name for a laugh because SURELY NO ONE PERSON CAN BE THIS FULL OF SHIT.

SERIOUSLY, STOP IT. YOU ARE NOT COOL. Learn to read and write instead of spending your time being an illiterate, lazy horse fucker who would use up their entire vocabulary after using only four words: "I am a tool".

Also, It's "I would have" not "I would of". That makes NO GOD DAMN SENSE.

Thanks for taking the time to read my terrible article. Now go set your mobile phone to predictive so that you can only use real words and then throw it away and read a book.