A Pleasant Reminder of What Matters

So it turns out that we're currently living in the 21st century. This is amazing, especially to someone like me who has a hard time understanding and accepting that the 90s are long over and that they aren't ever coming back.... ever. And that's not to say that with my lust for days gone by, I haven't followed the advances in technology. In fact, that's one of the few advantages to being a man of his early 20s who is desperately clinging on the idea that he's still "proper wicked" and "hip to the max".

Deep seated Peter Pan complexes aside, this age in which we are living is an incredibly extraordinary era in human history.

For the first time in our existence, we have access to all of the world's pooled knowledge with regards to everything. That's right, EVERYTHING. This is the equivalent to having a cheat book for life, in that we can research and learn all sorts of amazing things about whatever we want, without having to either...

A) Die as a result of trial and error whilst attempting to figure stuff out first hand
or B) Go around invading foreign places to see what neat stuff they have over there that we don't.

Just to deviate for a moment, can I just stress how much I love the term "Foreign"? As if people who aren't from your home country have just flown in from space or something? To the people who refer to anyone as "Foreigners", let me tell you a secret: We're all people, dammit. You're foreign to them too, so shut your stupid face up you self important sperm merchant. I mean your native country MUST to be the "Real" one, right? I mean YOU'RE from there and you're the protagonist in this children's adventure which we all call life, right? Christ.

Staying Focused: The unwinnable struggle of Mr. Seph Bentos.

ANYWAY, I could say this same thing a million times over, but chances are it would eventually bore you to the point of wanting to strangle me with an old garden hose, whilst continuously punching me in a place that only women who must be pretty desperate usually touch. Which is fair enough. I'd do it to you too, if the roles were reversed.

....That is, I'd do the strangling and dick punch thing. Not the thing the ladies do to my groin. We aren't close enough for that yet.

But while this is all true, it will never get any less mind blowing. All that it takes is the mere click of a button and we can gain instant access to the collective knowledge of people all over the planet and throughout history.

Now, I know that at this point if you're still reading this you're probably thinking:

"Well yeah, Seph. It's the internet. Did you just get a computer or something?"

And that's a valid point. I'm getting to it. Why am I even explaining this to you of all people, someone who is more than likely using that very same internet to read this crayon scrawl of an article in the first place? The internet (Or "webbernet" as us seriously happening 90s kids refer to it) has become one of the most popular inventions in human history, along with the flushable toilet and (for some reason) Sarah Jessica Parker.

With all of this knowledge available to us, you'd think that we'd be gathering up as much information as possible, learning something new and maybe even useful every day. You know, for silly reasons such as wanting to better yourself as a person and as a result live a more enriched life, or so as to not be completely ignorant to the strenuous endeavors and life long achievements of others for ONE CAT CRAPPING SECOND, stuff like that. Right? RIGHT? Wrong.

Humanlings & their undeniable superiority to us mere mortals.

Turns out that this newest generation of humanlings (a subspecies of your garden variety human who are generally smaller with more punchable faces and attitudes) already know everything, in spite of their short time on this planet.

Well, shit.

Isn't that something? They already know everything. Guess we should lay off them then and leave them to listen to their "GOOD music" like Kesha and Justin Bieber, while they play their "mega original video games".

Screw that, buddy.

Does no one else think that the current generation of humanlings are just a LITTLE god damn over-confident and condescendingly vocal for a generation that has achieved so little? For a generation that has never once been forced by law to do something like fight in a war for the ensured survival of their people against their will, or make it through hardships such as slavery or plagues?

Christ, the current generation doesn't even have to get their arse up and walk to the shop anymore because with the advances in technology, you can click a second button and someone will BRING your shopping to your front door. Someone who's only working that job so that they can afford an internet connection which will allow them in turn to pay some other guy to bring them their shopping.

It's a very clever system they have going there, if not a bit pointless.

But Seph, aren't YOU an ignorant 20 something with an unimaginable amount of flaws TOO?

Yes. yes I am. But at least like an unfortunately modest amount of other people my age I'm trying, you know?

Now don't get me wrong. Don't let my opening statements about how I have an affinity for the 90s cloud your perception of my point, here. I'm definitely not trying to say "Hey, these new kids suck, right? Am I right guys? Yeah! OUR generation on the other hand are BOSS and perfect in EVERY WAY imaginable....TO THE MAX.".

Not at all.

(Although, with stuff like Pogs and Sega Mega Drives being from that era, I may get away with that statement.)

What I AM saying, is that the current youth, myself included, have never really had any real hardships forced upon them, if we're being totally honest, really, really for real, really. Not anything that warrants the near constant displays of total disinterest towards the achievements of our ancestors and fellow humans, anyway.

There have been a few incidents, yes, but never anything we've had to fight tooth and nail for for years at a time, twenty four hours per day against our will, which is why certain common contemporary phrases tend to rub me up the wrong way. Not too dissimilar from those aforementioned desperate women (Get it? Rubbing? Ah whatever...).

Which phrases you ask? Phrases like these:

"OMG, I am SUCH a COD WIDOW. FML!"

For those of you out there who don't speak "Merde Minded Meph", allow me to translate.

OMG = "Oh My God".

COD = "Call Of Duty", the consistently regurgitated excuse for a "video game" and a general piece of wank which is, for some reason, the game of choice for the current craptastic generation of "hardcore gamers". Like almost all games released these days it's about war, which you know,
"is really different and stuff 'cos, like, other games are, like, gay and stuff, dude".

ADDITIONAL: The people who believe that this game is genuinely ground breaking, are actual idiots. I don't have a beef with violent video games or anything, hell, I really like some of them. But really? This? It's utterly terrible on all levels. I realise that it's a matter of opinion, but seriously.

Take your boob of a game game and piss the shit off.

FML = "Fuck My Life". Ah, yes. This is the modern aggravating and self absorbed insinuation that the person who uses this ignorant phrase just has the worst of luck. Ever.

This all sounds pretty complicated, Seph. What's your point?

Here's the punch line, readers.

Consider the point of view of a woman who's husband actually died in a REAL war, fighting for the freedom of people he's never even met and now never will, her life turned irreparably upside down. Life will never be the same for this poor woman, as she is what we refer to as a WIDOW.

She has suffered enough injustice and pain at this point, without trying to walk to the shop like a normal person, only to then over hear this phrase being used so flippantly, don't you think? I mean this is just one example, but come the crap on.

She doesn't want to open her newspaper to read a badly written, self important rant letter sent in by some ignorant shaft captain bitch who doesn't realise just how lucky she is to have someone to turn to in this unfair trial of life, moaning and comparing her temporary lack of attention with the tragedy of having the love of your life stolen from you before their time.

If I ever crossed paths with someone who claimed to be a "COD Widow" out loud, I'd have to freeze my own urine and stab them in the face with it, just so I could stab them and piss on them at once. In other words:

BOLLOCKS TO THAT, MATE.

Maybe, just maybe, in stead of using the internet to tell everyone about how you're a COD "Widow", or moaning about how your only allowed to go to ONE concert this week: Bieber or Kesha, and then going on to remind the rest of the world to "FYL" every time the second hand flies past the minute hand, you should be using it to learn about things such as basic first aid, how to speak other languages and how to repair things.

Wow, I can "learn" for "FUN"? Tell me MORE!

Turns out that THAT SHIT IS USEFUL.

I mean, wouldn't you appreciate the shit out of it if you were injured in another country and some random stranger ran over to help you out the best he could, even going as far as to use your language to make the whole experience easier on you in his home fucking country? You'd appreciate it a lot more than him filming it for YouTube and then tweeting to his friends about the dumb "foreigner" (We've been over this, you ARE one get used to it.) who just got "pwn3d", that's for sure.

You COD players get all riled up off your nerd-renaline, arguing online over who's the better player when you get beaten online? I'll tell you who is: THAT guy. He is the real hero my friends, and I mean it when I call you my friends because you're still reading this. Thank you.

The guy who has put his own life on hold and taken the time to educate himself on the facts of the world, just because. HE is the winner.

Want to know what else is great? YOU could be that guy. You can become a better person and learn about these things as well as much, much more using..... TA DA! You guessed it. The internet. It's like, totally RIGHT HERE, my man. Go ahead, touch it.

Ok, let's wrap this baby up so we can go play some Game Gear.

Maybe it's not all about how much your life is "sucking" at this moment in time. Maybe it's about doing what you can to help your fellow man, woman, animal or lady boy, depending on your current situation. Don't you think? Next time you get frustrated by something, don't rant to everyone who's following you online about this stuff. If it makes you feel better, then fine, but don't just cruise for sympathy. Go and calm down by reading some interesting facts online. It may just put your shit in perspective for you.

I'm not condemning social networking sites. I love them. Hell, they rock. Me and my totally still cool 20 - something buddies can use them to exchange stories of tragic pog matches and reminisce about bands like Blur and Silverchair. I'm not condemning social networking. I'm just saying that people are losing sight of why the internet was created in the first place. Exchanging ideas and information to help us grow as a civilisation.

And there's nothing less civilised than people actively ignoring all that others have worked their whole lives for on a daily basis, just because they're too busy being stressed out about how other people perceive them and their social image.

An In Depth Chat Regarding Spelling, With Seph Bentos.

The Initial Problem

Something which has always really bothered me is people's inability to correctly wield the English language. I just don't understand how something so simple, which requires such little effort, has become such a common problem. And before my inbox gets flooded with ignorant complaints, dyslexic people are excused.

Now then. If after reading that initial sentence you found yourself cringing and thinking "Pfft so what?" (which is correct English for "so wot/wat?"), then let me begin by congratulating you on reading this article, thereby taking your first step away from being an imbecilic, openly meph minded moron, before going on to say YOU NEED THIS ARTICLE.

If on the other hand, that first sentence made you feel that wonderful (yet depressingly rare) feeling of relief which screams "THANK GOD I AM NOT ALONE!", then well done for not being one of those undesirable chaps we mentioned before. You should reward yourself by rushing to your nearest window, leaning out of it and then shouting high brow insults at less knowledgeable people than yourself, as they pass on by. Insults they will never understand.

UNDERSTAND AND USE THIS INFORMATION.

Let's get this bit out of the way early, shall we?

If you are amongst the grammatically challenged and don't want to continue appearing as an uneducated troglodyte in front of other people (people who are fully experienced in laughing at people like you without you knowing), then take notes.

It's simple as a toddler's idea of the world.

"THERE'S one of them now, THEY'RE over THERE with THEIR things."
"THERE'S (aka "there is") one of them now, THEY'RE (aka "they are") over THERE with THEIR things."

Imagine the person saying this is pointing at someone who can read and write, and therefore isn't viewed as a hollow skulled failure.

"WE'RE lost aren't we? We have nothing to WEAR and don't even know WHERE we are."
"WE'RE (aka "we are") lost aren't (aka "are not")we? We have nothing to WEAR and don't even know WHERE we are."

This person may be lost and without a nice outfit, but at least they aren't SOMEONE WHO CAN'T COMPREHEND WHAT IS TAUGHT TO INFANTS.

"YOU'RE happy because you received YOUR present."
"YOU'RE (aka you are) happy because you received YOUR present."

People who can spell correctly get more presents than people who can't. This has been proven as a scientific fact.

Also, "You" isn't "U" or "Yu". It's YOU. You are you, so it's important that you get it right. That way you'll be able to understand when someone tells you who they think is an idiot who can't even GET SIMPLE WORDS RIGHT EVEN THOUGH THEY'RE AN ADULT.

Make sense? it should. If it doesn't, punch yourself in the nose until it does.

Scare Tactics: Worrying Statistics Which I Could Have Just Made Up (But Sadly Didn't)

An alarming number of people who have heroically managed to read this far, will probably not get much further because they simply can't comprehend these words which I use. You know, the ones which don't contain numbers or are longer than four or five letters.

How's that for a disturbingly accurate statistic/blind assumption? I know, right? "An alarming number". Can't ask for clearer than that, the clue as to how worried we should be about our population's steadily declining intellect is right there, in the words which were used. This really is clever, yet terrifying stuff.

A large number of people from my last job who put up notices in the staff room continually spelled things wrong and as a result, were the secret laughing stock of the rest of the staff. The employees who managed to spell entire sentences right, were viewed as people so clever, your face would suddenly explode if you sat too close to them while they attempted crossword puzzles.

SPEAKING OF TERRIFYING. GET A LOAD OF THIS, KIDS:

Before I rant about anything, I generally research the subject matter. I do this partly to toughen up my arguments, but mostly to ensure that I actually know what I'm talking about (Although I'm confident that you're all already thoroughly convinced of my impeccable research skills based on that first deadly accurate statistic I just gave you there).

I began by reading up on what people generally look for in a man or women, using as many as FIVE different articles and public polls as a frame of reference. The reason I read these tedious and ironically badly written articles, was to see just how important the average person considered a basic knowledge of spelling to be, or if it was even mentioned at all.

The closest it came to being considered as an important human trait was general intelligence, which is fair enough, when you consider that the ability to read and write on it's own isn't exactly going to be the make or break of any mature relationship.

This explains the romantic success of popular creatures Wayne Rooney and Paris Hilton, as well as numerous other "Desirable" individuals.

What isn't fair enough, is how low down intelligence appeared on these mass public polls. Above all, the majority of people cared more about their partner's money than their actual intelligence by a LONG way.

And don't get me wrong, I'm not some egg head hungry weirdo who only cares for brains. That wouldn't be an issue, but what these poll results were suggesting was a lot worse.

We're not talking "Oh I get a few words muddled up from time to time" or "I sucked at spelling tests back in school". It wouldn't bother me if I was with a girl who wasn't the best English student of all time (provided she made up for it by being a beast in the bedroom and could at least dress herself again afterward).

We're not talking just reading and writing. We're talking the overall usage of that oh so starved organ in our heads. Everything from remembering names of historic figures to knowing NOT TO EAT GRENADES.

This says to me, that the average person is a gold digger, who is more prepared to hook up with a taller person who confuses "Going to the toilet" with "Shaking their in law's hand" rather than someone who is a genuinely interesting, mentally aware member of society and all because the walking calamity that is the first choice has an extra twenty note sticking out of their back pocket.

At least, that's impression I get out of the selection of individuals who took part in the referenced polls, anyway. But that's them. I'm sure you, the reader, are a beautiful, beautiful person.

ANYWAY, the point is that in a list of roughly twenty to thirty desirable qualities which a person can have, (All of the referenced polls missed out both "good in the sack" and "redeemable street cred" as relevant qualities) Intelligence was beaten by all but "Convenience".

That's right.

Someone who is right there at the time of your search. Hang on, when you're talking about desirable traits in potential life partners, provided that you don't steal other people's partners, isn't that EVERYONE?

Yes, it is. Being alive is apparently only slightly less important than being able to form words.

You know math but can't do English? That's even WORSE.

Now, I'm not saying everyone is like this, but a lot of mathematicians who I've met like to think of themselves as better than other people, because they're good at maths. I suppose that's their business. If they've worked hard or are just smarter than most when it comes to maths, then fair enough. Gloat away.

But what I don't get, is when people say "you're either good at one, or the other" regarding maths and English. Yes, you can excel in one subject, but do you have to TOTALLY SUCK BALLS when it comes to the other one? If mathematicians are so incredibly smart, how can some of them not grasp something as simple as "you are" shortens to "you're" whilst "your" is just "your"? It makes NO SENSE.

But I AM clever, I'm just dyslexic.

If you are genuinely dyslexic, (and I'm talking GENUINELY dyslexic here, not dyslexic like that attention seeking scene kid we all know and hate who is apparently an insomniac just because he stayed up past 1AM once) then you are a hero for reading this article and excused from all of the overblown insults.

If you're one of those people who says they are as an excuse, or after a self diagnosis brought on by on random moment of conclusion jumping, then you need to quickly headbutt your mirror until you realize that you aren't just a tool, but every tool on the belt. If you don't get over yourself soon, you'll become the entire box, then when you're older, the workshop's main supply room.

Having been an insomniac myself once (and a DIAGNOSED ONE at that) I can sympathize. I can sympathize because I know that there's nothing more annoying than hearing some self absorbed, little growth of a tween bragging about having the same problem as you secretly do, when they are clearly so full of shit you could swear someone brought their biggest, most prolific turd out with them and gave it a name for a laugh because SURELY NO ONE PERSON CAN BE THIS FULL OF SHIT.

SERIOUSLY, STOP IT. YOU ARE NOT COOL. Learn to read and write instead of spending your time being an illiterate, lazy horse fucker who would use up their entire vocabulary after using only four words: "I am a tool".

Also, It's "I would have" not "I would of". That makes NO GOD DAMN SENSE.

Thanks for taking the time to read my terrible article. Now go set your mobile phone to predictive so that you can only use real words and then throw it away and read a book.

How I Propose We Save The World

The End Is Nigh

It's no secret that the world as we know it is rapidly spiraling out of control to a point where it is beyond repair. Every place that we look, read or even sometimes have a cheeky sniff, we are constantly being reminded of how everything is now terrible and how everyone is a total shit wit. It's as if our planet is some brilliant piece of technology which is now being taken for granted, and heading straight for the metaphorical bargain bin of the shop that is the universe.

If we want things to improve, something has to be done. We need a plan.

As it happens, I have a few suggestions which may just allow us to lag out our remaining time here, before we have to face up to our inevitable, self inflicted doom.

The Filtering Method

My first idea was to get the entire population of the world to stand in an orderly queue leading towards a desk, at which I would sit. Each person would then have roughly two minutes each to justify to me why I shouldn't remove them from the gene pool via a comedy trap door. After hearing their case, I would decide whether or not they were worthy of being allowed to continue living on Earth then send them on their way, accordingly.

I thought that this was a great idea, but I've been informed that it's apparently too much like being a "dictator" or something like that. What gives me the right? Well I'm not an idiot. If you're not an idiot, then you'll be fine.

Anyway, it looks like we're going to have to take a much more "ethical" and "sensitive" approach to this whole "saving the world" lark. Who knew?

Tactics

If you ask me, the best way to solve any dilemma, or win any argument, is to consider all sides of the argument before making a final decision. Neutrality is key, at least during the primary assessment stage of solving a problem.

Agreed? Great.

Step #1: What Would God Say If He Were Here?

First of all - Religion. When it comes to people's beliefs, my philosophy is quite, quite simple: Believe what you want, just don't bring it to my door. Literally.

It's fair enough right?

People should be allowed to follow which ever ideals they wish, but you should never try to convince someone that their belief is wrong and that yours is right.

Doing such things as these makes you a self righteous, infuriating, provocative gimp.

I've always been told that you should never bring up the subject of religion in social situations, as it's rude and upsets people. The last thing I would ever want to do is go out of my way to offend someone for no reason.

But I must say this.

You know what upsets me? When I'm attempting to enjoy a quiet Sunday morning and someone knocks on my door demanding that I completely give up on any ideals regarding the unknown which I have held up until this point and blindly agree with their favourite of the many flawed, questionable faiths, which have caused so many wars and interrupted so many Sunday mornings.

Why?

Well, because they're the right one, of course. Somebody told them that they were. So there. Take that, alternative beliefs. Have they any proof that their religion is better than the others, if even true at all? No.

I could go in to a full scale rant here about my hatred for all "in your face" religions, but I'll save that for another blog. I must stress, I don't have a problem with religious people who keep it to them selves. I'm happy for them, and would even go as far as to encourage it, as long it was genuinely making their life better. It's the people who waltz around, ruining the world for the rest of us and invading our personal space.

Remember what I said about staying neutral? Well here's the other side of this.

Religion has helped people through hard times, given people hope and brought communities together, so there are up sides to it, even if you think it's all pap. But notice how all of these plus points are all not in my door way at 9AM? Exactly.

Step number one in saving the world - Religion stays within personal space and never deviates in to someone else's. Just be content knowing that we're all going to hell and you're not. Although if you guys aren't going to be there, it sounds great.

Step #2: That's Showbiz, Honey.

Step number two - The Entertainment Industry.

It's unfortunate that every day, more and more people seem to see fame as the only form of success. No one wants to be doctors, police, or even just have a great family. To most people in this modern society, the people to look up to are people such as models, football players and which ever flash in the pan band is popular at the time.

This is depressing. What is even more depressing, is that due to modern technology, these people don't even need to excel in their chosen field of "expertise".

Programs like Pop Idol make becoming a pop star not so far fetched, even for the most mentally challenged spice boy. Celebrity magazines seem to be interested in some of the most unremarkable people ever to walk the Earth, just because they possibly have some loose affiliation with someone who was nearly famous once.

Oh, and according to these same magazines, being normal sized is considered the "new fat" now apparently, as if teenagers aren't already self conscious enough as it is.

Fame used to be a by product of being talented. Now on the rare occasion that a famous person actually has a talent, it's considered a novelty.

If you listen to old recordings, watch old films or if you're really cultured, go to see a play, you'll notice something. The people who feature in such things had to and in the case of plays have to be impossibly good at their craft, or they wouldn't last five minutes. These people are the people to look up to and idolize.

A time with no auto tune, multi track recordings, or slick photo and video editing spawned some of the most talented people who ever lived, but no one cares because "that's all old and gay".

Step number two in saving the world - Every film role should be given to either Christopher Walken, David Duchovny or failing that, struggling actors who fit the roles better than over paid Hollywood types. Also, bring back vinyl to filter out bland, half arsed, manufactured pop shite and leave us with only heroes who only need one take.

Step #3: Know Your Role

Step number three - If you insist on breeding, see it through and bring your damned kids up right.

The best part about idiots, is that they almost systematically go about killing themselves, or at least cutting themselves out of the gene pool, making the future of human kind look much brighter. Just read the Darwin Awards.

This shit's getting kind of old. Seriously, if you're going to become a parent, become a god damned parent.

Don't "let it slide" when your kid acts up. Don't teach them to swear because it's "funny". Don't spoil them. Teach them to read, write and dress themselves. Encourage them to try out new hobbies, express themselves creatively in a civilized manner and to be polite to people. Then, when they're successful (Not famous, SUCCESSFUL), live off of them because they owe it to you.

It's thanks to your encouragement and intelligent parenting that they're where they are now, and not mooning some tramp in the roughest part of town because they're out of money again and had no other choice but to drink their last bottle of absinthe to avoid death of starvation.

Step number three in saving the world - Don't be a tool, raise your kids properly.

Step #4: YOU CAN'T SAY THAT!!

Step #4 - Political Correctness. The only people pretending to be offended are shit stirrers, people who aren't affected by the incidents which are protested and attention seeking, fire arsed, twat birds. They aren't offended, they're just loving the attention it gets them.

Step number four in saving the world - GET OVER YOURSELF. A black board is a black board. A brain storm diagram is a brain storm diagram. I'll call things whatever I want to call them. They've been called what they have been for years and it's only now that we've changed these names that people have started going crazy. Coincidence? No. If you don't like it, don't talk to me, that way we all win.

Step #5: l0l uR ded Fun e yano hahaha

Step #5 - Social Networking

Social networking sites have completely changed everything about how people meet, interact, and discover things in modern society. It's also ruining the grammatical talent of the current generation.

The basics of our language are mangled on a daily basis by people claiming to be intelligent.

It's not hard - "You're" is a shortened version of You Are, hence the "e". "Your" means something that is yours. You're misspelling your native language.

Step five in saving the world - Social Networking sites should either

A) Not allow people to click "Post" unless their grammar and spelling are perfect.

or B) Close down their account if it is incorrect, before informing me, at which point I can go and "Learn Them".

Final Step

Final Step: Be nice to each other.

How can I explain this any simpler? Things would probably be a lot better for everyone if we were all just nice to each other and helped each other out when we could. Don't just take a disliking to someone you've never met. Don't judge someone on their ideals. Referring to my earlier points, it's irrelevant what someone's beliefs are, that's their business. Don't bitch. Don't make other people look small to big yourself up. BE. NICE.

The World, Is Saved

So that's that. That's all we have to do to stop our world from becoming one humongous riot of irrational hatred, ignorance and stupidity. It's not even what we have to do either, half of it is what we shouldn't do. Less work, right?

Now leave me alone.

How To Survive A Water Shortage And Why People Suck

The Initial Problem

Over the past week, roughly 4500 properties in my home town of Wallasey have been left with little, or no water as a result of some problem with our local water works. To add to the inconvenience, it's been uncharacteristically hot here, causing many local people to instinctively strip down to their knickers and walk around like my street is their living room. Imagine, if you will, just how irritating this would all be (That is, if you haven't experienced it already).

Allow me to help you out if you are imaginarily impaired, or just unable to conceive such a terrifying scenario yourself.

A Day Like Any Other

You reluctantly wake up in the morning, regrettably about to face yet ANOTHER day of "stuff" which you can't be bothered with, and just when you think that it couldn't possibly get any worse now that the better side of your conscience has bullied you in to getting out of 'that' position in bed (Yes THAT one, the one which is perfect in every way and can only be found precisely one minute before your alarm is due to go off) ...

...The magic little water conjuring elf who lives in your tap has taken it upon himself to just up and bugger off on you. Due to his sudden and unexplained disappearance, you are now faced with your first dilemma of the day.

Dilemma #1
You can not wash yourself and get ready for your day of impending "stuff".
...At least not properly, anyway.

A Jackpot For Idiots

Now, for some people, this is great news. This is an opportunity. Day off.
"What better excuse is there to pull a sickie?" they reflect on their unbelievable luck in a moment of 'just been thieved of my lovely, fart born bed warmth' madness.

Straight after this, is the part wherein they convince themselves that this must be a sign of some sort, obviously demanding that they stay off from whatever commitments they had previously agreed to fulfill that day.

Makes sense, right? Water doesn't just STOP. That's physically impossible. Right? RIGHT?!

This is then closely followed by the inevitable thoughts that they deserve a day off because they never take days off, never, EVER (Except for that one...oh, and that one entire week they took off last month, but that didn't count because they really were ill that time...).

"How can I be so lucky?" they wonder as they scramble back in to bed in an attempt to try and recapture that brief, past moment of absolute comfort, which was so horrifically pilfered from them not moments before.

The Ironic & Metaphorical Bucket Of Cold Water To The Face

As their mind slowly wakes up, their now much worse reality slowly begins to dawn on them. Other than the fact that their previous moment of 'genius' which suggested that them having no running water is an excellent excuse to stay off is now clearly complete horse crap...

Dilemma #2
No running water means no convenient drinks and it's BOILING compared to my body's usual temperature.

That's right, clearly the sun is filling in for your tap's resident water nymph today as it has suddenly become very, very hot. A bit like an oven, but shit at making pizzas.

"But there are still drinks in the fridge though, right? I can just drink them until it comes back on."
I suppose, but unless you live alone, there's also a number of other people here who also need a wash and a drink. So there's you and your family and or room mates, thirsty and smelly, in an incredibly hot building, all collectively dreaming of going in to wherever it is you should have gone to earlier, as it has beautiful, cold, thirst quenching, running water.

The Realisation Of An Oh So Pleasant Truth

Mentioning the group situation leads me quite nicely on to the next dilemma...

Dilemma #3
You can't flush the toilet.

Did you ever hear about the old school prank wherein badly behaved yet clever ass kids placed a smelly fish on a hot radiator, and it consequentially stank out the room?

Well for those of you who haven't, put simply, heat tends to make smelly things more noticeable, and in a building of smelly people and unflushable loos, this ISN'T GOOD.
It's anyone's guess how long you all have before a particularly badly scented colon cannon ball is left to fester and slowly gas you all to death.

Suddenly, to those slackers I mentioned earlier, work is beginning to sound like heaven, only now they're late, and on top of that, they would have to go in all smelly and everyone would hate them because of how badly they smelled because they were smelly and smelled bad.

...And we all know how important social acceptance and the opinions of other people we don't really care about are don't we? Hm? Don't we?

Yes. We shamefully do - It's more important than everything in the world. ...To SOME people.

The Great Outdoors?

Anyway, the point I'm VERY SLOWLY moving towards, is the fact that outside seems really, really great now. I mean hey, the weather's great and your house is full of smelly people and poop.

Outside ROCKS right now.

It doesn't bother you that there a lot of other smelly people scantily clad wobbling around everywhere, you're a pretty easy going dude who isn't that fresh them self, and besides, you're outside. The smell can at least float away from your general vicinity.

You just have to get ready and then you can... Oh, wait, yeah - No water to wash and stuff. Now, If you're the sort of short tempered person I really hope that you're not, this can lead to dilemma #4, probably one of the worst, as it just makes everyone's day even crappier.

Dilemma #4
This lack of water is incredibly annoying and yet there is no one to blame!

...Yeah. Rightfully fueled with anger brought on by the frustration of not being able to attain basic hygiene standards (and thus being a smelly git), there is no one to take it all out on.

The important thing to remember, especially if you're someone who is easily annoyed and you have a tendency to fly off the handle over such small matters, is the fact that this is NO ONE'S FAULT.

Nobody planned for this to happen, everyone likes being able to flush away last nights take out when they're done expelling it, and everyone likes being able to clean themselves so that they don't smell like a dead mammal who has been left to rot in the sun.

These things just happen.

This is why this particular dilemma (If it even happens) is the worst. It leads angry parties to take out their frustrations on their unfortunate friends, family, and even the poor guys who are working around the clock to solve your vanishing water elf problem. I mean, it's fair enough, right? All of these people quite clearly have it in for the angry person for no reason and purposely went out last night and forced the underground water pipes to mess up, especially as they don't need water like the angry guy does.

He is the main character, after all, as well as being the only person truly affected by this whole ordeal.

Overly angry people seriously suck, it must be said.

Our Deep Final Thought

In conclusion, if this ever happens to you, as long as you don't see it all as the end of the world, it'll be over before you know it and you may as well make the most of it and go and visit someone or some where out of the affected area. It makes me think though, about how as a species, us humans now take a lot of things for granted.

...It is at this juncture I would like to point out that in spite of my living in the very center of the affected area, my house has been fine, with all of our water elves reporting for duty as per usual every day. I even enjoyed an overly long shower before throwing back a number of pints of water and considering washing my car with a hose, right after getting it cleaned professionally.

...What?

..........What?

-Seph

Sex On Trains & Star Gazing

Today, a terrible thing happened in my local area. The woman who lived opposite my girlfriend's house suddenly died. To my surprise, this had a bizarre and unexpected effect on me, especially considering the fact that until I was informed of her unfortunate passing, I had no idea that she even existed. The only information I know about her is that she was a teacher who was apparently very nice.

Cause & Effect

Isn't it interesting how an occurrence such as this even affects unexpected parties such as myself, someone who has never even crossed paths with this lady? Either way, it caused me to look up lists of things to do before you die, which ended with me reading out the most eyebrow raising of the list out to my lady friend, whilst badly attempting a generic American accent. Why not?

Strange Suggestions...

From the list, I was intrigued by the nature of every day people, as there were entries in the lists such as "Make love on a train" and "Sleep under the stars". At first glance, these suggestions seem somewhat harmless, if not a little cheesy, right? Upon a second read through (As I had just looked towards the screen the first time through and considered how I could become a super hero), I realised that these people are very silly.

Romance VS Reality

Make love on a train? I don't know what trains are like where that romantic is from, but if you tried to pull off such a daring stunt as that around where I live, it would probably result in something like this.

You'd be on a semi clean aisle of seats, in perfect view, half worried about catching a train-sex related disease and half worried about getting a fine - not for the public sex act, but for having your feet on the seats. As an added bonus, you'd more than likely be the main source of entertainment for a disgusted, elderly woman who would love the sheer juiciness of the gossip you and your partner (If it wasn't a solo effort...) were handing her, as well as the rare opportunity to complain to someone about something that ACTUALLY MATTERED. In addition to this, there would surely be an (unfortunately) typical, mouthy, overly arrogant, prepubescent troglodyte who was not equipped with the standard fear of adults or basic grammar skills, filming it with his new mega-apple-iPod-phone-bastard-machine. He would then go on to brag online to his friends that he had seen someone "Doing a sex".

I think it's safe to say, the train loving is officially OFF the list. It's just not realistic. Although, having said this, I can see where they were coming from. The heart melting screams of the wheels on the track, the fuzzy discomfort of the seats, and the constant knowledge of being ogled by the general public whilst mid-coitus. On second thought, no, I have no crapping idea why anyone anywhere would ever want to do this. Ever.

Dying A Cold, Easily Avoidable Death

The sleep under the stars one. To be fair, that is quite romantic. Under the natural light of the stars, either alone or with that special someone, talking about life and whatnot. Then you consider that night time is very cold. If you were to sleep out side at night, you would soon realise why it is that we sleep in doors in a soft and warm bed. You need to stay warm, especially if you're like me and suffer from Raynauds Syndrome.

The only reason which I can think of to explain why anyone would ever even consider doing this, is that they wanted to remind them self just how brilliant being able to sleep in a nice, warm bed actually is. Stars look great, but they also look great from the window of your heated house with it's soft beds. Beds which aren't infested with bugs and the like.

Avoid Human Contact

In conclusion, there are a lot of things which you should definitely do before your life's hour glass runs out of sand, just don't ask another human being for advice on this, as they will probably have you performing sexual acts on public transport, or freezing death in the dead of night, as ground dwelling insects traverse your body as you sleep.

-Seph