How I Propose We Save The World

The End Is Nigh

It's no secret that the world as we know it is rapidly spiraling out of control to a point where it is beyond repair. Every place that we look, read or even sometimes have a cheeky sniff, we are constantly being reminded of how everything is now terrible and how everyone is a total shit wit. It's as if our planet is some brilliant piece of technology which is now being taken for granted, and heading straight for the metaphorical bargain bin of the shop that is the universe.

If we want things to improve, something has to be done. We need a plan.

As it happens, I have a few suggestions which may just allow us to lag out our remaining time here, before we have to face up to our inevitable, self inflicted doom.

The Filtering Method

My first idea was to get the entire population of the world to stand in an orderly queue leading towards a desk, at which I would sit. Each person would then have roughly two minutes each to justify to me why I shouldn't remove them from the gene pool via a comedy trap door. After hearing their case, I would decide whether or not they were worthy of being allowed to continue living on Earth then send them on their way, accordingly.

I thought that this was a great idea, but I've been informed that it's apparently too much like being a "dictator" or something like that. What gives me the right? Well I'm not an idiot. If you're not an idiot, then you'll be fine.

Anyway, it looks like we're going to have to take a much more "ethical" and "sensitive" approach to this whole "saving the world" lark. Who knew?

Tactics

If you ask me, the best way to solve any dilemma, or win any argument, is to consider all sides of the argument before making a final decision. Neutrality is key, at least during the primary assessment stage of solving a problem.

Agreed? Great.

Step #1: What Would God Say If He Were Here?

First of all - Religion. When it comes to people's beliefs, my philosophy is quite, quite simple: Believe what you want, just don't bring it to my door. Literally.

It's fair enough right?

People should be allowed to follow which ever ideals they wish, but you should never try to convince someone that their belief is wrong and that yours is right.

Doing such things as these makes you a self righteous, infuriating, provocative gimp.

I've always been told that you should never bring up the subject of religion in social situations, as it's rude and upsets people. The last thing I would ever want to do is go out of my way to offend someone for no reason.

But I must say this.

You know what upsets me? When I'm attempting to enjoy a quiet Sunday morning and someone knocks on my door demanding that I completely give up on any ideals regarding the unknown which I have held up until this point and blindly agree with their favourite of the many flawed, questionable faiths, which have caused so many wars and interrupted so many Sunday mornings.

Why?

Well, because they're the right one, of course. Somebody told them that they were. So there. Take that, alternative beliefs. Have they any proof that their religion is better than the others, if even true at all? No.

I could go in to a full scale rant here about my hatred for all "in your face" religions, but I'll save that for another blog. I must stress, I don't have a problem with religious people who keep it to them selves. I'm happy for them, and would even go as far as to encourage it, as long it was genuinely making their life better. It's the people who waltz around, ruining the world for the rest of us and invading our personal space.

Remember what I said about staying neutral? Well here's the other side of this.

Religion has helped people through hard times, given people hope and brought communities together, so there are up sides to it, even if you think it's all pap. But notice how all of these plus points are all not in my door way at 9AM? Exactly.

Step number one in saving the world - Religion stays within personal space and never deviates in to someone else's. Just be content knowing that we're all going to hell and you're not. Although if you guys aren't going to be there, it sounds great.

Step #2: That's Showbiz, Honey.

Step number two - The Entertainment Industry.

It's unfortunate that every day, more and more people seem to see fame as the only form of success. No one wants to be doctors, police, or even just have a great family. To most people in this modern society, the people to look up to are people such as models, football players and which ever flash in the pan band is popular at the time.

This is depressing. What is even more depressing, is that due to modern technology, these people don't even need to excel in their chosen field of "expertise".

Programs like Pop Idol make becoming a pop star not so far fetched, even for the most mentally challenged spice boy. Celebrity magazines seem to be interested in some of the most unremarkable people ever to walk the Earth, just because they possibly have some loose affiliation with someone who was nearly famous once.

Oh, and according to these same magazines, being normal sized is considered the "new fat" now apparently, as if teenagers aren't already self conscious enough as it is.

Fame used to be a by product of being talented. Now on the rare occasion that a famous person actually has a talent, it's considered a novelty.

If you listen to old recordings, watch old films or if you're really cultured, go to see a play, you'll notice something. The people who feature in such things had to and in the case of plays have to be impossibly good at their craft, or they wouldn't last five minutes. These people are the people to look up to and idolize.

A time with no auto tune, multi track recordings, or slick photo and video editing spawned some of the most talented people who ever lived, but no one cares because "that's all old and gay".

Step number two in saving the world - Every film role should be given to either Christopher Walken, David Duchovny or failing that, struggling actors who fit the roles better than over paid Hollywood types. Also, bring back vinyl to filter out bland, half arsed, manufactured pop shite and leave us with only heroes who only need one take.

Step #3: Know Your Role

Step number three - If you insist on breeding, see it through and bring your damned kids up right.

The best part about idiots, is that they almost systematically go about killing themselves, or at least cutting themselves out of the gene pool, making the future of human kind look much brighter. Just read the Darwin Awards.

This shit's getting kind of old. Seriously, if you're going to become a parent, become a god damned parent.

Don't "let it slide" when your kid acts up. Don't teach them to swear because it's "funny". Don't spoil them. Teach them to read, write and dress themselves. Encourage them to try out new hobbies, express themselves creatively in a civilized manner and to be polite to people. Then, when they're successful (Not famous, SUCCESSFUL), live off of them because they owe it to you.

It's thanks to your encouragement and intelligent parenting that they're where they are now, and not mooning some tramp in the roughest part of town because they're out of money again and had no other choice but to drink their last bottle of absinthe to avoid death of starvation.

Step number three in saving the world - Don't be a tool, raise your kids properly.

Step #4: YOU CAN'T SAY THAT!!

Step #4 - Political Correctness. The only people pretending to be offended are shit stirrers, people who aren't affected by the incidents which are protested and attention seeking, fire arsed, twat birds. They aren't offended, they're just loving the attention it gets them.

Step number four in saving the world - GET OVER YOURSELF. A black board is a black board. A brain storm diagram is a brain storm diagram. I'll call things whatever I want to call them. They've been called what they have been for years and it's only now that we've changed these names that people have started going crazy. Coincidence? No. If you don't like it, don't talk to me, that way we all win.

Step #5: l0l uR ded Fun e yano hahaha

Step #5 - Social Networking

Social networking sites have completely changed everything about how people meet, interact, and discover things in modern society. It's also ruining the grammatical talent of the current generation.

The basics of our language are mangled on a daily basis by people claiming to be intelligent.

It's not hard - "You're" is a shortened version of You Are, hence the "e". "Your" means something that is yours. You're misspelling your native language.

Step five in saving the world - Social Networking sites should either

A) Not allow people to click "Post" unless their grammar and spelling are perfect.

or B) Close down their account if it is incorrect, before informing me, at which point I can go and "Learn Them".

Final Step

Final Step: Be nice to each other.

How can I explain this any simpler? Things would probably be a lot better for everyone if we were all just nice to each other and helped each other out when we could. Don't just take a disliking to someone you've never met. Don't judge someone on their ideals. Referring to my earlier points, it's irrelevant what someone's beliefs are, that's their business. Don't bitch. Don't make other people look small to big yourself up. BE. NICE.

The World, Is Saved

So that's that. That's all we have to do to stop our world from becoming one humongous riot of irrational hatred, ignorance and stupidity. It's not even what we have to do either, half of it is what we shouldn't do. Less work, right?

Now leave me alone.

How To Survive A Water Shortage And Why People Suck

The Initial Problem

Over the past week, roughly 4500 properties in my home town of Wallasey have been left with little, or no water as a result of some problem with our local water works. To add to the inconvenience, it's been uncharacteristically hot here, causing many local people to instinctively strip down to their knickers and walk around like my street is their living room. Imagine, if you will, just how irritating this would all be (That is, if you haven't experienced it already).

Allow me to help you out if you are imaginarily impaired, or just unable to conceive such a terrifying scenario yourself.

A Day Like Any Other

You reluctantly wake up in the morning, regrettably about to face yet ANOTHER day of "stuff" which you can't be bothered with, and just when you think that it couldn't possibly get any worse now that the better side of your conscience has bullied you in to getting out of 'that' position in bed (Yes THAT one, the one which is perfect in every way and can only be found precisely one minute before your alarm is due to go off) ...

...The magic little water conjuring elf who lives in your tap has taken it upon himself to just up and bugger off on you. Due to his sudden and unexplained disappearance, you are now faced with your first dilemma of the day.

Dilemma #1
You can not wash yourself and get ready for your day of impending "stuff".
...At least not properly, anyway.

A Jackpot For Idiots

Now, for some people, this is great news. This is an opportunity. Day off.
"What better excuse is there to pull a sickie?" they reflect on their unbelievable luck in a moment of 'just been thieved of my lovely, fart born bed warmth' madness.

Straight after this, is the part wherein they convince themselves that this must be a sign of some sort, obviously demanding that they stay off from whatever commitments they had previously agreed to fulfill that day.

Makes sense, right? Water doesn't just STOP. That's physically impossible. Right? RIGHT?!

This is then closely followed by the inevitable thoughts that they deserve a day off because they never take days off, never, EVER (Except for that one...oh, and that one entire week they took off last month, but that didn't count because they really were ill that time...).

"How can I be so lucky?" they wonder as they scramble back in to bed in an attempt to try and recapture that brief, past moment of absolute comfort, which was so horrifically pilfered from them not moments before.

The Ironic & Metaphorical Bucket Of Cold Water To The Face

As their mind slowly wakes up, their now much worse reality slowly begins to dawn on them. Other than the fact that their previous moment of 'genius' which suggested that them having no running water is an excellent excuse to stay off is now clearly complete horse crap...

Dilemma #2
No running water means no convenient drinks and it's BOILING compared to my body's usual temperature.

That's right, clearly the sun is filling in for your tap's resident water nymph today as it has suddenly become very, very hot. A bit like an oven, but shit at making pizzas.

"But there are still drinks in the fridge though, right? I can just drink them until it comes back on."
I suppose, but unless you live alone, there's also a number of other people here who also need a wash and a drink. So there's you and your family and or room mates, thirsty and smelly, in an incredibly hot building, all collectively dreaming of going in to wherever it is you should have gone to earlier, as it has beautiful, cold, thirst quenching, running water.

The Realisation Of An Oh So Pleasant Truth

Mentioning the group situation leads me quite nicely on to the next dilemma...

Dilemma #3
You can't flush the toilet.

Did you ever hear about the old school prank wherein badly behaved yet clever ass kids placed a smelly fish on a hot radiator, and it consequentially stank out the room?

Well for those of you who haven't, put simply, heat tends to make smelly things more noticeable, and in a building of smelly people and unflushable loos, this ISN'T GOOD.
It's anyone's guess how long you all have before a particularly badly scented colon cannon ball is left to fester and slowly gas you all to death.

Suddenly, to those slackers I mentioned earlier, work is beginning to sound like heaven, only now they're late, and on top of that, they would have to go in all smelly and everyone would hate them because of how badly they smelled because they were smelly and smelled bad.

...And we all know how important social acceptance and the opinions of other people we don't really care about are don't we? Hm? Don't we?

Yes. We shamefully do - It's more important than everything in the world. ...To SOME people.

The Great Outdoors?

Anyway, the point I'm VERY SLOWLY moving towards, is the fact that outside seems really, really great now. I mean hey, the weather's great and your house is full of smelly people and poop.

Outside ROCKS right now.

It doesn't bother you that there a lot of other smelly people scantily clad wobbling around everywhere, you're a pretty easy going dude who isn't that fresh them self, and besides, you're outside. The smell can at least float away from your general vicinity.

You just have to get ready and then you can... Oh, wait, yeah - No water to wash and stuff. Now, If you're the sort of short tempered person I really hope that you're not, this can lead to dilemma #4, probably one of the worst, as it just makes everyone's day even crappier.

Dilemma #4
This lack of water is incredibly annoying and yet there is no one to blame!

...Yeah. Rightfully fueled with anger brought on by the frustration of not being able to attain basic hygiene standards (and thus being a smelly git), there is no one to take it all out on.

The important thing to remember, especially if you're someone who is easily annoyed and you have a tendency to fly off the handle over such small matters, is the fact that this is NO ONE'S FAULT.

Nobody planned for this to happen, everyone likes being able to flush away last nights take out when they're done expelling it, and everyone likes being able to clean themselves so that they don't smell like a dead mammal who has been left to rot in the sun.

These things just happen.

This is why this particular dilemma (If it even happens) is the worst. It leads angry parties to take out their frustrations on their unfortunate friends, family, and even the poor guys who are working around the clock to solve your vanishing water elf problem. I mean, it's fair enough, right? All of these people quite clearly have it in for the angry person for no reason and purposely went out last night and forced the underground water pipes to mess up, especially as they don't need water like the angry guy does.

He is the main character, after all, as well as being the only person truly affected by this whole ordeal.

Overly angry people seriously suck, it must be said.

Our Deep Final Thought

In conclusion, if this ever happens to you, as long as you don't see it all as the end of the world, it'll be over before you know it and you may as well make the most of it and go and visit someone or some where out of the affected area. It makes me think though, about how as a species, us humans now take a lot of things for granted.

...It is at this juncture I would like to point out that in spite of my living in the very center of the affected area, my house has been fine, with all of our water elves reporting for duty as per usual every day. I even enjoyed an overly long shower before throwing back a number of pints of water and considering washing my car with a hose, right after getting it cleaned professionally.

...What?

..........What?

-Seph

Sex On Trains & Star Gazing

Today, a terrible thing happened in my local area. The woman who lived opposite my girlfriend's house suddenly died. To my surprise, this had a bizarre and unexpected effect on me, especially considering the fact that until I was informed of her unfortunate passing, I had no idea that she even existed. The only information I know about her is that she was a teacher who was apparently very nice.

Cause & Effect

Isn't it interesting how an occurrence such as this even affects unexpected parties such as myself, someone who has never even crossed paths with this lady? Either way, it caused me to look up lists of things to do before you die, which ended with me reading out the most eyebrow raising of the list out to my lady friend, whilst badly attempting a generic American accent. Why not?

Strange Suggestions...

From the list, I was intrigued by the nature of every day people, as there were entries in the lists such as "Make love on a train" and "Sleep under the stars". At first glance, these suggestions seem somewhat harmless, if not a little cheesy, right? Upon a second read through (As I had just looked towards the screen the first time through and considered how I could become a super hero), I realised that these people are very silly.

Romance VS Reality

Make love on a train? I don't know what trains are like where that romantic is from, but if you tried to pull off such a daring stunt as that around where I live, it would probably result in something like this.

You'd be on a semi clean aisle of seats, in perfect view, half worried about catching a train-sex related disease and half worried about getting a fine - not for the public sex act, but for having your feet on the seats. As an added bonus, you'd more than likely be the main source of entertainment for a disgusted, elderly woman who would love the sheer juiciness of the gossip you and your partner (If it wasn't a solo effort...) were handing her, as well as the rare opportunity to complain to someone about something that ACTUALLY MATTERED. In addition to this, there would surely be an (unfortunately) typical, mouthy, overly arrogant, prepubescent troglodyte who was not equipped with the standard fear of adults or basic grammar skills, filming it with his new mega-apple-iPod-phone-bastard-machine. He would then go on to brag online to his friends that he had seen someone "Doing a sex".

I think it's safe to say, the train loving is officially OFF the list. It's just not realistic. Although, having said this, I can see where they were coming from. The heart melting screams of the wheels on the track, the fuzzy discomfort of the seats, and the constant knowledge of being ogled by the general public whilst mid-coitus. On second thought, no, I have no crapping idea why anyone anywhere would ever want to do this. Ever.

Dying A Cold, Easily Avoidable Death

The sleep under the stars one. To be fair, that is quite romantic. Under the natural light of the stars, either alone or with that special someone, talking about life and whatnot. Then you consider that night time is very cold. If you were to sleep out side at night, you would soon realise why it is that we sleep in doors in a soft and warm bed. You need to stay warm, especially if you're like me and suffer from Raynauds Syndrome.

The only reason which I can think of to explain why anyone would ever even consider doing this, is that they wanted to remind them self just how brilliant being able to sleep in a nice, warm bed actually is. Stars look great, but they also look great from the window of your heated house with it's soft beds. Beds which aren't infested with bugs and the like.

Avoid Human Contact

In conclusion, there are a lot of things which you should definitely do before your life's hour glass runs out of sand, just don't ask another human being for advice on this, as they will probably have you performing sexual acts on public transport, or freezing death in the dead of night, as ground dwelling insects traverse your body as you sleep.

-Seph