Sex On Trains & Star Gazing

Today, a terrible thing happened in my local area. The woman who lived opposite my girlfriend's house suddenly died. To my surprise, this had a bizarre and unexpected effect on me, especially considering the fact that until I was informed of her unfortunate passing, I had no idea that she even existed. The only information I know about her is that she was a teacher who was apparently very nice.

Cause & Effect

Isn't it interesting how an occurrence such as this even affects unexpected parties such as myself, someone who has never even crossed paths with this lady? Either way, it caused me to look up lists of things to do before you die, which ended with me reading out the most eyebrow raising of the list out to my lady friend, whilst badly attempting a generic American accent. Why not?

Strange Suggestions...

From the list, I was intrigued by the nature of every day people, as there were entries in the lists such as "Make love on a train" and "Sleep under the stars". At first glance, these suggestions seem somewhat harmless, if not a little cheesy, right? Upon a second read through (As I had just looked towards the screen the first time through and considered how I could become a super hero), I realised that these people are very silly.

Romance VS Reality

Make love on a train? I don't know what trains are like where that romantic is from, but if you tried to pull off such a daring stunt as that around where I live, it would probably result in something like this.

You'd be on a semi clean aisle of seats, in perfect view, half worried about catching a train-sex related disease and half worried about getting a fine - not for the public sex act, but for having your feet on the seats. As an added bonus, you'd more than likely be the main source of entertainment for a disgusted, elderly woman who would love the sheer juiciness of the gossip you and your partner (If it wasn't a solo effort...) were handing her, as well as the rare opportunity to complain to someone about something that ACTUALLY MATTERED. In addition to this, there would surely be an (unfortunately) typical, mouthy, overly arrogant, prepubescent troglodyte who was not equipped with the standard fear of adults or basic grammar skills, filming it with his new mega-apple-iPod-phone-bastard-machine. He would then go on to brag online to his friends that he had seen someone "Doing a sex".

I think it's safe to say, the train loving is officially OFF the list. It's just not realistic. Although, having said this, I can see where they were coming from. The heart melting screams of the wheels on the track, the fuzzy discomfort of the seats, and the constant knowledge of being ogled by the general public whilst mid-coitus. On second thought, no, I have no crapping idea why anyone anywhere would ever want to do this. Ever.

Dying A Cold, Easily Avoidable Death

The sleep under the stars one. To be fair, that is quite romantic. Under the natural light of the stars, either alone or with that special someone, talking about life and whatnot. Then you consider that night time is very cold. If you were to sleep out side at night, you would soon realise why it is that we sleep in doors in a soft and warm bed. You need to stay warm, especially if you're like me and suffer from Raynauds Syndrome.

The only reason which I can think of to explain why anyone would ever even consider doing this, is that they wanted to remind them self just how brilliant being able to sleep in a nice, warm bed actually is. Stars look great, but they also look great from the window of your heated house with it's soft beds. Beds which aren't infested with bugs and the like.

Avoid Human Contact

In conclusion, there are a lot of things which you should definitely do before your life's hour glass runs out of sand, just don't ask another human being for advice on this, as they will probably have you performing sexual acts on public transport, or freezing death in the dead of night, as ground dwelling insects traverse your body as you sleep.

-Seph